Monday, June 7, 2010

Why 90% of South Carolina drivers should be flogged in the street with their own car keys.


Let me just start this out by saying that I only have experience with drivers from SC, considering I've never driven anywhere except for SC. I've only had my license for about 10 years, if even that (see part of this post), but despite the fact that I haven't been a driver for very long, I still consider myself a careful, considerate driver.

Now, here's a list of reasons why at least 90% of SC drivers should be flogged in the street with their own car keys.

I'm not going to lie and say that I mean no offense to anyone who does any/all of these things listed below. If that were the case, this post wouldn't be here. I'm not going to say, however, that I'm out to make enemies. Now, if you're offended, I'm sorry, but I'm sure there are things about me that would probably piss you off, and if you pointed them out, I would shrug, apologize, and move on with my life.

1.  Stop signs are there for a reason and some of them AREN'T there for a reason.  A majority of drivers in SC (and probably elsewhere), never fully stop at a stop sign. This is stupid. They are there for a reason. If you didn't have to stop and look both ways, just like your Mommy and Daddy taught you when crossing the street on foot, then that big red sign wouldn't be there. Also, if you don't see a stop sign, chances are that you probably have the right of way and you could probably just slow down a little instead of coming to a dead stop at a T-section, when the other two sides have stop signs themselves. Really.

2.  There is a speed limit for a reason.  The speed limit is exactly what it sounds like; a limit. It's not like it's a suggestion on how fast you should go, but a limit. Is that a tough concept to grasp, folks? I mean... Seriously. If the sign says "SPEED LIMIT 45", that doesn't mean you can go 55-60 or 35-40. I mean... Find a happy medium. If you can't at least go the speed limit, get the frick out of the way for the people who can go the speed limit. You'll cause just as many accidents going 35 in a 45 zone as you would going 55 in a 45 zone. Find a happy medium, Granny. And for those of you who want to go so fast down the road that the people behind you are wondering if they're going too slow? I hope you get pulled or blow a tire, because just because you have to poo really bad or woke up late for work doesn't mean that you can make the rest of us wonder whether we took a turn onto the Nascar speedway on accident. I wonder, sometimes, if these people have ever heard of "The Tortoise and the Hare"; I'm sure that I'll get there just as quickly with my patience as you would swerving in and out of traffic. So, you're ONE car ahead of me and will get to your destination five seconds faster. Big whoop. Should've left your house ten minutes earlier, Doofus.

3.  They teach you to check your mirrors and blind spot in driving school for a reason.  Enough said. It's called a "blind" spot for a reason. Because you can't see there from just your mirrors. Chances are, there's probably somebody in the lane you're trying to get into, and taking an extra millisecond to peek over there isn't going to keep you from getting to your fancy-pants board meeting or Burger King fish sandwich. That, and if you happen to move over into my lane when you didn't look and I honk my horn at you, I hope that you choke on that middle finger you're giving me you dingbat.

4.  Hands-free headsets will make our streets safer.  I'm going to probably make a few enemies with this, but it's a simple fact that one hand on the wheel does not give you the same amount of control that two hands can. You can get a hands-free headset to use in the car for less than ten bucks now, so there's no excuse not to have one. As for checking text messages? Seriously? Really? Do you see me reading a book while driving? No, because your eyes should be on the damn road. If you don't need eyes to drive, then you must be frickin' psychic to know if the granny in front of you wants to break for a squirrels, and if that's the case, let me know how to find the next winning lottery ticket, Princess. "But, I look STUPID with a hands-free headset!" you say? Well, we'll see how stupid you look when you have a steering wheel sticking out of the back of your head. As for your text messages, there is NO text message or email important enough to kill yourself or somebody else over. If you killed me in a car crash just trying to check a text message that says "So-and-so added you on FaceBook!", then I will haunt your ass so hardcore, the Ghost Hunters would be too afraid to even step into your yard.

5.  Your music/bass does not have to be so loud that it shakes windows.  Seriously? If you have your music up that loud, how can you even hear it to enjoy it? Once you hit a certain volume level, it just sounds garbled and disgusting. That, and if your window is down and my window is down, and I can't hear myself think, I seriously hope you blow your crappy little sound system and have to sing to yourself on the way to your stupid-ass party or car show. I'm seriously going to invent a remote. This remote will have one button, and when I press it, any radio that is above a certain level in volume will immediately blow up within a five mile radius. I don't want to hear your crappy music, I want to hear mine. I don't give a crap what you rock out to.


  1. Damn, you are such an old lady driver.

    Ha, no seriously I agree with all these points here and have argued them before. Except the headset thing....nope, not gonna do it. I refuse to get one, wear one or own one. I would rather just not talk on my phone in the car than have to put one of those on my head or in my ear.

    Oh, and anyone who texts while driving should be shot on site. No trial, no jury - straight execution.

  2. It's very much agreed that people look absolutely ridiculous with an earpiece, however, I actually own a hands-free set for my car. It's bluetooth, works great with my Blackberry, and all phone calls are actually put through my radio with surprisingly amazing quality.

    Though, I would still have fumble for my phone to hit the answer button, so I generally just ignore the phone call until I'm safely parked.