Monday, May 10, 2010

A list of things to help you at night

So, if anyone has known me for any length of time, you'll know that my family thrives on the weird, the disturbing, and the horrific side of humanity. We're not nuts, just absolutely fascinated with death, serial killers, ghosts, and all other manner of the bizarre.

But... For those of you who DON'T know, here's a very short history lesson before I dive into my list. My family has grown up on horror movies. My eldest sister was tortured by my mother after seeing the movie "Psycho"; she came after my sister in the shower and attacked her with a cucumber, scaring her so badly she nearly peed herself. The next in line was tortured by my mother after seeing "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"; she came after my sister with a weedwacker, again in the shower, and she nearly shit herself. My closest sister in age was, yes, tortured by my mother after seeing "A Nightmare on Elm Street"; she stayed up all night for two nights before finally falling asleep out of pure exhaustion; Mom attacked her with a garden rake while she slept. Also, my sister is deathly afraid of clowns because of "Poltergeist" and the scene where the clown drags a boy under the bed, never to be seen again.

So, history lesson over, and here's the list. If you have to ask "Why?" on these, then you have no clue how messed up and scared our family can really be, sometimes. I am, honestly, somebody who suffers from Achluophobia, which is the fear of the dark.

1. Never go anywhere in the dark, even in your own home. The reason isn't because of the dark itself, but what's in it.

2. Never let any appendage hang over the edge of your bed. Because something could grab you while you sleep.

3. Always jump into your bed; never let your feet linger close to the underside of your bed. This goes with #2, because something could get you before you even get into bed.

4. Never look behind you, down a set of stairs, or down a hallway if you have to traverse your home in the dark. Because you never know what you'll find, or what will find you.

5. Never look into a mirror or similarly reflective surface without first turning on a light. Same as above; because you never know what you'll find looking back at you... From behind you.

6. Never leave your closet or bedroom door open. Because you might find something crawling into your room along the ceiling or a faceless man in your closet.

7. If somebody calls your name, don't respond until they knock on your door. It might not be who you think it is and they might go away if they think you don't hear them.

8. Don't open your eyes until morning. Because you'll probably find something creepy floating above you if you do.

9. Your covers are your best friend. See #8.

10. Wear earplugs, headphones, or keep your television on. Because you don't want to know what that noise was. Really.

This isn't a joke. These are rules that I keep in mind at ALL TIMES during the night. It's terrifying for me; I'm not just afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of the shit that could be in it. It doesn't help that my house is honestly haunted, and it doesn't help that my favorite bedtime story is Hellraiser. It's gotten better over the years to the point where I don't need a light source to sleep, but I still follow these rules religiously, no matter where I sleep.

When you grow up on movies where burned men go after you in your dreams, leather-clad and pasty-white demons braid your freshly flayed flesh, and black-haired bitches crab walk down stairs backwards... You can't help but be afraid, right?

EDIT: My sister JUST wrote a blog on practically the same thing. Bitch stole my idea. >:(


  1. HaHa.......great minds think alike I guess!!

    Mom is the one to be blamed for this one, I think. All us kids have problems with a capital P!

    PS: My post is better, byotch.

  2. Ooo, your house is haunted? Do tell.

  3. Oh, yeah. My house is totally haunted. We have a ghost that knocks on the front door CONSTANTLY, walks around upstairs when there's nobody there, and has now begun to knock on my mother's headboard in the early hours of the morning. Nothing terrifying, but still spooky. lol