Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Making a crappy book into an even crappier movie... Made easy!

So, yeah... Before I go into my rant about how terrible this movie was, let me start out with something...

I feel absolutely terrible about the post I made about Miss S. She seemed more than happy to be dragged along to see this movie, for the second time in a week, when she could've been doing more constructive things with her life than waste two-and-a-half hours on this drivel. My most heartfelt apologies go out to her, if she happens to be a reader, though I highly doubt that she is.

Now that that's over, we can now begin tonight's lesson in shitty movies.

Twilight is, for all intents and purposes, a shitty series. You've got your atypical girl who moves to a new town. Everybody loves her, except for a few girls who are jealous of her good looks. She meets a vampire (that flippin' sparkles) and falls madly in love. She also meets a werewolf who falls madly in love with her. Many fights and much angst ensues. Girl gets married, has a half-vampire baby, gets turned into a vampire, and they all live happily ever after. The end.

That's Twilight in a nutshell.

Now, Eclipse was supposed to be one of the most exciting books in the series, because it featured a very prominent fight, lots of background stories to the characters, and a few good kissing scenes. The movie was supposed to run this course, too.

Let's just say that I could've listened to a two-and-a-half hour filibuster by Ben Stein and would've been less likely to fall asleep.

The lines in this movie were terrible and so they were delivered terribly. Jasper, who is a vampire that eternally looks constipated, is given the background of a good ol' Southern boy who was turned during the Civil War. The rest of the movie, he talks in a half-hidden Southern drawl that would make even me want to vomit. He even says "Ma'am", which makes me want to eat said vomit before hearing it again. Rosalie, who is a vampire who is the epitome of a spoiled rotten bitch, is given the background of a spoiled rotten bitch from what seems like the 20's or 30's who is raped by her spoiled rotten fiance and left to die, only to turn into a spoiled rotten vampire and murder everyone who had been involved while wearing a ridiculous wedding dress. That, and she's got some scary eyebrows.

Jacob, the werewolf, has some of the worst lines in the movie and while Taylor Lautner delivered his lines faithfully, he also delivered them with the emotion of a plank of wood, which made half of the lines more comedic than anything else. The kid's nice to look at (Oh, boy, is he!), but could use a little coaching... Or maybe the lines were just so bad that even Leonardo DiCaprio could not have delivered them without them sounding cheesy. Edward, the main vampire, pulls off the same performance, though with the facial expression that he, like Jasper, really has to poo and just can't.

Let's not forget Bella, who is so torn between her love for a werewolf and her love for a vampire that, like any school girl, just can't choose! "Oh, Edward, let's wait to tell Jacob that we're getting married because he'll rip you to shreds!" "Oh, Jacob! Please don't run away angry at me and die! Kiss me!"   Really? NEWS FLASH! I've been in that situation before, girlie, and that shit didn't turn out so hot. Both of them would've ripped me to shreds if I tried a stunt like that. Just pick, dammit. "Switzerland" my ass.

The effects, of course, were sub-par. For a movie grossing so much in one weekend alone, you would've thought that they'd have hired the special effects animators that worked on Avatar. They obviously didn't, because the wolves looked very obviously fake and far too cartoonish for my tastes. That, and the effects of killing vampires..? Oh, Christ, don't get me started. Let's just say that the only blood in these movies was that of humans being murdered and that was all done off-screen. I don't know what sort of physiological deal Myer has going on with her vampires, but instead of blood and tissue, these guys are made of marble... Literally, it seems. A vampire gets her head taken off and, with the bad, looping sound effects of shattering glass in the background, it just looked like somebody cut the head off of a marble statue. No blood, no tissue, no gore.

Sure, this is a teen movie, but... Really? I mean... Really? That's almost as ridiculous as a sparkling vampire.

Whatever. LAME.

Needless to say, this movie turned out far more hilarious than riveting or romantic. There was certainly a hell of a lot more making out going on than any real story, but the shirtless men were a plus at least. I still don't see how people think Robert Pattenson is hot, he just looks like he needs a damn bath. I hear he doesn't wash his hair, though I'm not sure if this is just rumor or if there's some truth to it; I just want to teach the poor boy to either use shampoo or use less product in his hair. Either way, he'd still look just as constipated as ever.

Thank you again, Miss S, for going to see this waste of time. I think I'll wait for the DVD release, buy it, and then put it on mute while skipping ahead to the shirtless men scenes. That's the only way this would be worth spending $20. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One can't come quick enough. Please, J.K. Rowling, save me!


  1. So.....if you HATED this movie (yeah, like you hated the books), why on earth would you buy the DVD?

    Don't tell me you won't because I have known you for 26 years and KNOW you will buy (aka waste money on) this tripe.

    Why, or why??

  2. I already said it before: I'd skip ahead to the shirtless, sweaty men scenes.

    Hey, I can rag on it all I want even if I bought the books and buy the DVDs.

    Besides, like I said previously: If somebody made a two hour movie that consisted of nothing but these guys running shirtless in the rain, over and over again, I would totally dig it. They're nice to look at.

    Hater. :P